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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. - Mitch Hedberg
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! - Mitch Hedberg
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My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. - Muhammad Ali
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France has more need of me than I have need of France. - Napoleon Bonaparte
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Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money? - Ogden Nash
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What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. - Peter Ustinov
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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. - Robert Frost
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. - Rod Schmidt
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. - Rodney Dangerfield
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Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world. - Samuel Beckett
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It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. - Satchel Paige
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I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. - Stephen King
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Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. - Steve Jobs
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. - Steve Martin
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. - Steven Wright
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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. - Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. - Steven Wright
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright
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Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. - Thomas A. Edison
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Want to learn to eat a lot? Here it is: Eat a little. That way, you will be around long enough to eat a lot. - Tony Robbins
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers
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If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. - Will Rogers
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A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. - William S. Burroughs
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