Violinist QuotesRating Mail
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. - Henny Youngman
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Beauty is less important than quality. - Eugene Ormandy
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. - Henny Youngman
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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
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A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. - Henny Youngman
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. - Henny Youngman
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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' - Henny Youngman
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. - Henny Youngman
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman
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I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. - Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. - Henny Youngman
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. - Henny Youngman
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If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. - Henny Youngman
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. - Henny Youngman
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman
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I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. - Henny Youngman
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. - Henny Youngman
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. - Henny Youngman
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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? - Henny Youngman
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman
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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. - Henny Youngman
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My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! - Henny Youngman
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman
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She has a wash and wear bridal gown. - Henny Youngman
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She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. - Henny Youngman
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. - Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman
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Take my wife... Please! - Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! - Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. - Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. - Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. - Henny Youngman
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. - Henny Youngman
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! - Henny Youngman
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Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. - Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. - Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. - Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. - Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. - Henny Youngman
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Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. - Henny Youngman
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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. - Henny Youngman
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. - Henny Youngman
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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. - Henny Youngman
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