Presenter QuotesRating Mail
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? - Billy Connolly
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A friend is a lot of things, but a critic isn't. - Bern Williams
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A half-truth is usually less than half of that. - Bern Williams
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An extravagance is something that your spirit thinks is a necessity. - Bern Williams
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Books had instant replay long before televised sports. - Bern Williams
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Few things are as democratic as a snowstorm. - Bern Williams
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I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy. - Bern Williams
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If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance. - Bern Williams
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Life is supposed to be a series of peaks and valleys. The secret is to keep the valleys from becoming Grand Canyons. - Bern Williams
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Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit. - Bern Williams
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People who say, 'Let the chips fall where they may,' usually figure they will not be hit by a chip. - Bern Williams
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Talent is a flame. Genius is a fire. - Bern Williams
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The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring. - Bern Williams
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There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bern Williams
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There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope. - Bern Williams
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We grow a little every time we do not take advantage of somebody's weakness. - Bern Williams
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We may pass violets looking for roses. We may pass contentment looking for victory. - Bern Williams
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What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor. - Bern Williams
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Women have a favorite room, men a favorite chair. - Bern Williams
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. - Billy Connolly
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet. - Billy Connolly
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I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. - Billy Connolly
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. - Billy Connolly
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I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. - Billy Connolly
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I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there. - Billy Connolly
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. - Billy Connolly
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. - Billy Connolly
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. - Billy Connolly
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I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. - Billy Connolly
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. - Billy Connolly
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. - Billy Connolly
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. - Billy Connolly
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. - Billy Connolly
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. - Billy Connolly
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. - Billy Connolly
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Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. - Billy Connolly
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. - Billy Connolly
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know. - Billy Connolly
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. - Billy Connolly
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