Humorist QuotesRating Mail
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain
4
(2 Votes)
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
5
(1 Votes)
A man who suffers before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
5
(1 Votes)
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain
5
(1 Votes)
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain
5
(1 Votes)
A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers
2.5
(2 Votes)
One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
4
(1 Votes)
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. - Mark Twain
4
(1 Votes)
Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. - Helen Rowland
3
(1 Votes)
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. - Dave Barry
1
(1 Votes)
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. - Erma Bombeck
1
(1 Votes)
Children make your life important. - Erma Bombeck
1
(1 Votes)
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
1
(1 Votes)
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count. - Kin Hubbard
1
(1 Votes)
Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper. - Kin Hubbard
1
(1 Votes)
Let us train our minds to desire what the situation demands. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
1
(1 Votes)
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
1
(1 Votes)
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. - Mark Twain
1
(1 Votes)
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries. - Will Rogers
1
(1 Votes)
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. - Will Rogers
1
(1 Votes)
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. - Al Capp
0
(0 Votes)
A pat on the back, through only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, is miles ahead in results. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
Fame - anyone who says he doesn't like it is crazy. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
For me, a hearty 'belly laugh' is one of the beautiful sounds in the world. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
Good manners: The noise you don't make when you're eating soup. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
The Atomic Age is here to stay - but are we? - Bennett Cerf
0
(0 Votes)
The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed. - Bennett Cerf
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(0 Votes)
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. - Dave Barry
0
(0 Votes)
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. - Dave Barry
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(0 Votes)


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