Comedienne QuotesRating Mail
I'm not funny. What I am is brave. - Lucille Ball
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After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. - Bette Midler
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. - Joan Rivers
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - Joan Rivers
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Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers
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Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. - Joan Rivers
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Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. - Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers
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Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. - Joan Rivers
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I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. - Joan Rivers
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I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - Joan Rivers
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I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Joan Rivers
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. - Joan Rivers
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' - Joan Rivers
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. - Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. - Joan Rivers
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It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. - Joan Rivers
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. - Joan Rivers
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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. - Joan Rivers
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. - Joan Rivers
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Never floss with a stranger. - Joan Rivers
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. - Joan Rivers
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. - Joan Rivers
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. - Joan Rivers
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. - Joan Rivers
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. - Joan Rivers
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers
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Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. - Joan Rivers
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. - Joan Rivers
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Ability is of little account without opportunity. - Lucille Ball
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How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we'd profit from them. - Lucille Ball
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I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one. - Lucille Ball
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I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally. - Lucille Ball
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I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. - Lucille Ball
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I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent. - Lucille Ball
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I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can. - Lucille Ball
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I will never do another TV series. It couldn't top I Love Lucy, and I'd be foolish to try. In this business, you have to know when to get off. - Lucille Ball
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I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. - Lucille Ball
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I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways. - Lucille Ball
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I'm sometimes scared of everything that has happened to us. We didn't think Desilu Productions would grow so big. We merely wanted to be together and have two children. - Lucille Ball
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If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do. - Lucille Ball
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In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by. - Lucille Ball
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