Comedian QuotesRating Mail
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby
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The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now. - Bill Cosby
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright
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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right. - Bill Cosby
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Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
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You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. - Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. - W. C. Fields
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And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it. - Al Franken
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If you hear, day after day, liberals are rooting against armed forces, that is eventually going to have an effect on soldiers and troops who are actually going to believe that and it's wrong. It's just wrong. - Al Franken
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. - Alan King
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That's what show business is, sincere insincerity. - Benny Hill
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Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger. - Bill Cosby
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Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing. - Bill Cosby
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. - Bill Hicks
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. - Bill Maher
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? - Billy Connolly
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. - Mitch Hedberg
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Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. - Rodney Dangerfield
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Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. - W. C. Fields
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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. - Woody Allen
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
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It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
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But in the right-wing media, they do have a right-wing bias. And they also have an agenda. So their agenda is: we're an adjunct of the Republican Party, and we're going push that agenda every day, and, as you say, brand these stories that help further the right-wing cause. - Al Franken
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I also focus on Bush and his administration - who do a lot of lying - and how a right-wing media has allowed them to get away with a lot of stuff that, in a different media environment, they probably wouldn't be able to get away with. - Al Franken
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I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks. - Al Franken
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I once asked the most fabulous couple I know, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, how they kept things fresh despite having been married for almost seven months. 'It's a job, Al,' Guy told me. 'We work at it every day.' - Al Franken
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It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world. - Al Franken
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It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you. - Al Franken
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Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from. - Al Franken
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The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover. - Al Franken
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The next thing I am doing is moving back home to Minnesota and getting involved in politics. I'm looking at a run for Senate in 2008, but in the meantime I am focused on knitting together the progressive network in the upper Midwest. - Al Franken
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The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christian voters should start looking at global warming and extreme poverty as a religious issue that speaks to the culture of life. - Al Franken
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The right wing has had a radio apparatus for years and years, so they've had minor leagues - they've had local rightwing guys who've become national rightwing guys, and who build slowly, and that's how it goes. We haven't had that. It isn't like we have a farm team. - Al Franken
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The thing that interests me least about the radio business is the radio business. But I've had to learn a little bit about it. It's not rocket science: You get ratings, that's good. - Al Franken
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To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus. - Al Franken
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We need to be pro-science; we have to go back to science. - Al Franken
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Well, a lot of politics is communicating with people, and obviously comedy has something to do with that. I've been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you're under pressure. - Al Franken
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Well, I think that there's a value to comedy in and of itself. - Al Franken
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When the president during the campaign said he was against nation building, I didn't realize he meant our nation. - Al Franken
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When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. - Al Franken
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Yeah, but you need an experienced radio veteran who is a liberal advocate. And there just hadn't been any radio that did that. And so they weren't trained - they had developed all these bad habits of being objective and balanced and stuff like that. - Al Franken
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Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had. He said we had enough to go three years without making money, and we had enough to go three weeks. - Al Franken
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Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? - Alan King
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. - Alan King
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King
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Do unto others, then run. - Benny Hill
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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. - Benny Hill
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I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better. - Benny Hill
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