Steven Wright QuotesRating Mail
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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How young can you die of old age?
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
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