Mark Twain QuotesRating Mail
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
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The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
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The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
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The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
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The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
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The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
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The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
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The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
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The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
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The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
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There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
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There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
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There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
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There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
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There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
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There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
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There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
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Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
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Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
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To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
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To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
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Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
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Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
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Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
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Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
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We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
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We are all alike, on the inside.
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We have the best government that money can buy.
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What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
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What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
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What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
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What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
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When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
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When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
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When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
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When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
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When in doubt tell the truth.
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When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
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When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
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When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
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Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
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Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
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Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
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Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
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