Erma Bombeck QuotesRating Mail
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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Children make your life important.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Maonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
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Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
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God created man, but I could do better.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
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I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Never order food in excess of your body weight.
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