Dave Barry QuotesRating Mail
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
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'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
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Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
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I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
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I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
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If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
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In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
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In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
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Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
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